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Recommended Ways
to Pee Your Pants:

You're considering making the pledge. What's holding you back? Or you've made the pledge already and are a little nervous about following through on your commitment. Well, don't worry. Here are are some pants-peeing possibilites just for you.

Send your own methods to bernie@PeeYourPantsForTheBrewers.com with the subject "Methods."

Shy Guy:  If you are shy about the Brewers clinching and wetting yourself, maybe you should do it at home. Right after the game, calmly and triumphantly walk into your backyard. Pretend you're looking at the stars and your neighbors won't know what's going on. You'll probably enjoy it a lot more than you thought. The warmth will be nice on the cool September evening. You can quickly clean up afterwards.


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Milwaukee Time:  Head down to the nearest watering hole with some buddies. Drink as much Miller Lite or PBR until you have no chance but to pee your pants. Don't change your pants. Go out for an awesome night.


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Most Honorable Way:  Hopefully the Brewers will clinch their first playoff spot in 24 years with a win at Miller Park. Go the Park with some of your bestest friends and pee your pants at the moment we officially clinch. If we can get a 1000 or so fans at Miller Park to do this simultaneously it would be the world's largest collective pants-peeing party since Mount Sinai's 10 buses were late picking up all the players from Seniors Night at Potawatomi Bingo.


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Unacceptable Method:  Wearing a swimsuit and peeing in that and then jumping in a pool or lake right away. That does not count.


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Closet Cardinals Fan:  Inject yourself with steroids so you can pee longer and farther than anyone else.


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Closet Yankees Fan:  Buying pre-peed pants in Soho.


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Closet Cubs Fan #1:  Fail to pee your pants this year, but promise that next year will be the year you finally pee your pants. - David


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Closet Cubs Fan #2:  Telling everyone how great you are going to be at peeing your pants, failing miserably and then blaming your failure on a goat. - Andrew

Cub Goat

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Anonymous Guy:  You love the Brewers and can't believe they're actually doing it this year. You want to be part of the PYPFTB community, but are worried about public joining the pants-peeing party for some personal reasons (maybe job, maybe girlfriend). Here, Brewers Mike wears a paper bag likeness and can pee in the comfort of anonymity.


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Converting Others (Experts Only):  UrinalWhile at the stalls, skillfully angle your stream towards the guy at the urinal next to you. Slowly release so that it gently grazes the unsuspecting man's pants and soaks down his pant leg. This is where it gets tricky. If the man notices it and is angry, you must pinch and flee the scene. If the man does not notice, you must calmly re-aim and finish as if nothing has happened. An important step in this method is to skip the handwash (simple rinse not even tolerated). The reason is that you must beat the man out of the bathroom and join your group of friends. When the man comes out of the bathroom, you and your friends should chant "Pee Your Pants For The Brewers!" over and over as all of you pee your pants. The man will be embarassed at first, but when he sees that the others have peed their pants, he will become excited and join in the chant. Congratulations- this is when it is safe to chest bump with the man since you converted him. - Mike G

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J.J. Hardy Throw to First:  Pee a frozen rope. - Lucky in Monterey


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Mile-High:  Go to Colorado and watch Brewers clinch at Coors Field. Pee 7% farther. Could be difficult as the Brew Crew would have to clinch the playoffs in our August 6-8 series there. - Lucky in Monterey

Mile High

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Stage Fright:  SpotlightWhen the Brew Crew clinches and the spotlight's trained on you, will you be able to perform? Many people (like me) suffer from stage fright. We wait for the stalls after a movie or concert when there are long lines rather than feel hundreds of hungry eyes waiting for you to finish. For whatever reason, there is too much pressure. One PYPFTB member even claims " it is pretty much impossible to deliberately pee your pants. You're conditioned by 25 years of holding it in and resisting peeing your pants." Trying the "Shy Guy" or "Anonymous Guy" might help. But in the most extreme cases of stage fright potential solutions are a gray area. Peter suggests procuring a bottle of pee before leaving the house (soda bottle for example). Aattach a tube to the top and run into trouser leg. Should the time come and the old chap is a little nervous to perform- squeeze bottle! Jason F rightly condemns the whizzinator and other foiled NFL techniques.

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Mr. Inconspicous:  While standing by favorite trough/urinal/stall, casually "forget" to unzip pants and proceed to take care of business. Upon completion, fake zip, flush, and leave... but not without washing hands. - Paul

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Moises Alou:  While peeing your pants, you might as well pee on your hands for better grip. -John & Al


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Rafael Palmeiro:  Pee your pants. When asked if you did, promptly wave your finger and state, "I have never peed my pants, period. - Kevin in Oak Creek


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Dishwasher  Offer to do the dishes. While washing the dishes try to make as big a mess as possible and get water all over yourself and the floor. Pee at any time but preferrably during a big splash. - Paul #4


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George W. Bush:  Pee your pants and shout "Mission Accomplished!" - Dan in Plateville

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Bill Clinton:  Pee Your Pants, and then when asked about it, say: "I did not pee my pants with that woman." - Dror # 1553

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Borrow a Baby:  Find a baby to borrow.  While holding said baby pee your pants and then yell out "Oh he got me. The little bugger got me good. Who's child is this?!"  Bonus points if you can get the parent to buy you a "sorry my kid peed on you" beer. - Robert

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Mr. Baseball:  Here's the wind up....and the Zip....Juusssst a bit outside. - Nate

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Ferris Bueller:  Go to work in the morning, and upon arriving, complain of not feeling well.  Sit down at your desk, and after a few minutes, quietly pee your pants.  Wait til the boss is nearby, then stand up and tell the boss "Boss, I must really be sick -- I can't even control myself."  The boss will immediately become sympathetic, and send you home for the day.  You will have accomplished 3 things at once:  1) You peed your pants.  2) You got the whole day off (do with it what you wish).  3) You should get an enormous amount of sympathy from your coworkers, as apparently (to them), you really are sick.

This method is best used during a Brewers home game during the day, as you can use your day off to go out to the game, singing Danke Shoen in an impromptu parade on your way to Miller Park. - Bruce

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Asparagus Modifier:  This works especially well if planning to PYPFTB in a public setting. It gets more senses involved. Throw a batch of asparagus on the grill next to the brats and eat up. - Jeremy #1546

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Practice Makes Pee-fect:  I myself was once a prolific pants-peer. But this was not a talent that I was born with, it's a skill carefully and systematically honed through long nights of intense concentration and inebriation. As with all things, practice makes perfect. So for those out there who worry about getting a little stage fright when it's game time: PRACTICE MAKES PEE-FECT: Obtain a VHS copy of the 1982 American League Championship Series when the Brewers beat the California Angels to advance to the World Series. Find some time alone at home to watch, so that you can practice peeing yourself at the climax of the game. [Note - you may want to saran-wrap your sofa so that your housemates and/or girlfriend don't catch on to your training] As you become more comfortable wetting your pants, start inviting people over to "watch a movie," and casually practice in their presence. If they're appalled and leave, they weren't good friends anyway. - Danger

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